Fixing Slytherin House

Mega Spoilers: Turn Back Now

I've never really bought the Harry Potter hype. I mean it certainly isn't Narnia, the Wrinkle in Time Series, Discworld or Tolkien. Kinda meh. And once JK Rowling revealed Dumbledore is a caricature of a gay man instead of a delightful stereotype breaking straight man... Lets just say all of those sentences that talk about parents worrying about leaving their kids with him suddenly are cringe. And once I found out she leans TURF (Trans Umbridge Radical Feminist) my disgust deepened.

Unfortunately, I have kids so they are subjected to the series from friends and school. So, in an effort to purify my mind I'm going to try to fix the numerous problems around Slytherin House. This helps because I get to critique the main problem with the series and helps my kids understand why it is bad.

Apologies for spelling mistakes.

We Are All Slytherin's Now

My first complaint is ALL of the major characters belong in Slytherin.

Dumbledore - super powerful, elder wand, the cloak. Sacrifices several people in the course of the series towards his larger goal. Keeps hundreds of House Elves enslaved to Hogwarts school.

All of the Potters - Harry obviously: parceltongue, breaking and entering, theft, assault, as a wealthy purebred wizard. Willing to break the rules to win. Adores glory in sports and resents the accomplishments of his loyal minion Ron. James and Lily are wealthy, powerful wizards who faced Voldemort. As a Marauder and owner of the Cloak, James is cruel, handsome and a criminal. Lily is kind, but is attracted to powerful people like James and Snape and is a genius at potions.

All of the Weasely Children - Ginny, Ron, Fred, George, Percy, Bill & Charlie all belong in Slytherin. They are all huge troublemakers who adore powerful people like Harry, Dumbledore and McGonagall, etc. They smuggle dragons, join resistance movements, and love fighting.

Hermione Granger - While a lot of people try to put Hermione in Ravenclaw, it is important to remember she commits just as many crimes as Harry & Ron while constantly making sure she is the best witch in the school. She even uses time travel to cheat. She is just as gifted at potions as Snape, only for some reason he is a moron and refuses to see it.

It is genuinely terrifying to think of Harry, Ron and Herminoe enforcing laws in a community.

Hagrid - Giants are allied with Voldemort and also this.

McGonagall - Downton Abbey, but bends the rules to win at sports.

Victor Krum (Drumstrang is just Slavic Slytherin), Mad-Eye Moody...

You know what, it is probably easier to list the characters who DON'T belong in Slytherin: Neville Longbottom. Luna Lovegood. Severus Snape. You hear me. Snape has unbreakable loyalty, honor, humility and isn't even a pureblood. Nobody in the books is as brave as Snape. Snape is Gryffindor through and through.

Except... for Some Reason Slytherin's in the Books Aren't Slytherin at All?

Probably the only Slytherin character who makes any sense who is actually IN Slytherin house is Slughorn, who is super ambitious and loves powerful people. The Gryffindor in disguise Snape also loves powerful people and is a notable member of the Order of the Phoenix, Dumbledore's inner circle and the Head of Slytherin at Hogwarts.

But for some incredibly mysterious reason zero current Slytherin at Hogwarts have even an ounce of ambition or desire for power. Crabbe, Goyle and Parkinson, unlike real Slytherin, are loyal to Malfoy for no reason at all even though it is clear and obvious that Malfoy is weak, unpopular and no match at all for Harry, Hermione, Ron, etc. Perhaps we can forgive some of the stupider Slytherin, but Snape and Slughorn both focus on Harry Potter and Hermione intently. Both haunts their steps.

That NO Slytherin are interested in making friends with Harry and Hermione (even if only to betray them later) is implausible. Victor Krum is instantly taken with Hermione as is Slughorn and she is practically the only person Snape talks to with the expectation that they know anything.

This is hand waved away with a focus on Hermione's lack of pure blood and Snape hating Harry, but neither explaination makes any sense at all. Slytherin's don't follow rules just because Snape says stuff. Almost every Weasley is a talented pure blood, but Slytherin's don't seem delighted by Fred and George either, despite the fact they are ridiculously talented.

The Harry Potter books are seriously damaged by the fact that not even one Slytherin student attempts to sincerely or insincerely befriend Harry.

It is really a shame too, because there could have been all sorts of interesting plot points. For example a Slytherin befriends Herminoe only to betray her (or Harry). But I think the real missed opportunity would have been having a Slytherin girlfriend for Harry. She could have been helping Harry with potions instead of having Herminoe being good at everything. Snape would disapprove, which would make Harry's ridiculous dislike of Snape more believable. Harry flays Malfoy alive and Snape gives him detention and instead of taking this to be a gift from a fellow member of the Order of the Phoenix Harry is a moron and shows no remorse that he nearly killed a person. smh.

A Slytherin girlfriend would have been harassed by other Slytherin's and mistrusted by Gryffindor's. In particular Herminoe and Ginny would be quick to doubt. This could have created a cool parallel to Dumbledore's trust of Snape. Harry having to defend his girlfriend from all of the suspicions that constantly befall her. In a fun twist, Luna Lovegood would back her, but with her silly explanations it doesn't help. Ultimately, the three decide to leave her out of their plans to go after Voldemort, and she gives Ginny's same speech. A member of Dumbledore's Army, she could take on Snape's role after Dumbledore's death bringing information to McGonagall. When Neville approaches Voldemort in the Battle of Hogwarts and gives his big speech she could be tasked to kill Neville, but Neville trusts her and instead he draws the sword and they both attack Nagini together. Her parents and several Slytherin students could blast the Death Eaters nearest them in the back.

Damn, that was way better than what happened in the books.


Snape. Dumbledore. Snape. Wut?


Probably the worst part of the books is Dumbledore's goal is to unite the houses and Snape is super smart but for some reason the two of them can't even get a single Slytherin student to join the other houses. Snape seems to really like Malfoy, babying him in potions class and protecting him all the time. But Malfoy is a dumb coward and a constant embarrassment. Snape's old textbook teaches Harry far more than Snape teaches Malfoy. Malfoy sucks at dueling despite Snape being incredible. He is terrible at Quidditch even though Slytherin won six years in a row before he arrived, and despite being a smug dumbass who acts exactly like James Potter, both Snape and Dumbledore let him run amok unchecked. If Malfoy was in Gryffindor it would actually be interesting, but he wasn't. Hell, Malfoy as a misfit in Gryffindor would have been a fantastic change to the series. Neither Snape nor Dumbledore bother to coach Malfoy at all and from all accounts he is the only interesting Slytherin who interacts with Harry. This sucks.


But the failure by Snape and Dumbledore to develop Malfoy from a pretentious doofus is overshadowed by their failure to accomplish anything at all with anyone in house Slytherin. Dumbledore fails utterly to get the houses to unify, and none of them have any qualities at all in common with Snape or Slughorn who are the most successful Slytherins. I mean Cedric Diggory (Hufflepuff) and Luna Lovegood (Ravenclaw) were interesting characters who accomplished a lot. The best case for Slytherin students is they ran away after betraying everyone. smdh.


This doesn't make much sense in that both Snape and Dumbledore were amazing, awesome and yet somehow both of them managed to completely lose the attention of Slytherin students for seven years? Two of the most powerful wizards in the world and they can't even get the attention of the power hungry kids? Lazy crap writing. Just like Harry, Dumbledore would have loads of Slytherin fans as he is the most powerful known wizard and Voldemort fears him. And students with even a casual observation of Snape would realize he was a subtle, yet powerful person. Herminoe, Ron and Harry HATE Snape but they don't underestimate him. Why would members of his own house?


Slytherin:

Essentially, we have a bunch of characters who should be in Slytherin, but aren't, a bunch of doofuses who should have never have been in Slytherin, terrible writing and finally super human characters who somehow fail to influence dumb impressionable children. Fail, fail, fail, fail.